Today is my 2nd birthday and I turn 6 year old.
It has been six years since my last bone marrow transplant.
6 Years and I am still here!
In November of 2008 a month shy of my "1st Birthday" I wrote down my story. I sent it to my immediate family but was hesitant to share it with anyone else. I just wasn't ready. This last year I have been prompted and have felt many times that I need to share my story. We have moved around a lot and each move I have met and gained new friends. I share bits and pieces but never got into anything really great detail. On this anniversary of my transplant I am posting my story. Since it was written in 2008 I had thought about adding to it as much has happened and taken place but decided to post it how it is. The miracles have not stopped in my life. My family and I experience tender mercies everyday. Our story continues on and that is a miracle all in itself.
My four “J”
Miracles
Over
the last months I have been in a very reflective mood. After receiving the good news of my last pet
scan, that my body is finally responding to the treatment s I have been given,
I have looked back on the journey that has brought me to this day. In reviewing the last four years I realized
that there are four main miracles that have made my life a fulfilled and happy
one amongst all the sadness and trial. Coincidentally they all start with the letter
“J”. Let me tell you about each of these
miracles and what they mean to me. I
must forewarn I don’t nearly have the words to describe what these miracles
mean to me but I will try my best with the words provided in the English
language.
Miracle #1: Jason Willard Balls. This Man is my husband. Jason came to me at a time that was totally
unexpected. It was the summer of 2004
and I was 20 yrs old. I was in the
process of turning in my mission papers to serve as a missionary for the Church
of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I
had some lumps on my neck that were classified as just side effects from mono,
but after weeks of little change the doctors decided that a biopsy should be
done before I headed out into the mission field. It was then that they found that I had Hodgkin’s
disease, Lymphoma. It was decided that I
was to start 12 rounds of chemotherapy and the mission would be put on
hold. I was devastated to say the least.
My whole world was crashing down around
me with something that was totally unexpected. However something else happened that was very
unexpected, but this time in a good way. This boy…Jason came to visit me after I was
first diagnosed. On his first visit he brought me a teddy bear and flowers. It was a good visit, he remembers me being
extremely medicated, and I remember just being extremely happy to see him. We talked and then he left. I started chemo treatments and a week after my
first treatment this boy...Jason came back again to visit. This time he brought a quilt with messages
from friends written on it. He gave it to me and told me that he hoped that it
would bring me comfort. I was totally
blown away. I had seen this boy everyday in High School all four years. We ran cross country and track together (well
in track I ran and he pole vaulted but he was there). We went on a cross country date together our junior
year and I even wrote in my journal that there was something different about
this boy…Jason. Our senior year we got
to know each other pretty well. We were
both senior class officers. He was the President and he appointed me as an
officer. We traveled to Washington D.C
together on a class trip and I got to sit next to him on his very first flight
back to Salt Lake. I don’t remember a
whole lot now about that trip but I do remember talking and laughing the whole
flight home with him. This boy…Jason
kept coming over. Most of my friends
came once or twice at the beginning but after the initial visit they dwindled
but Jason came on my good weeks when he could. We had some good times despite the fact that I
shocked him a couple of times but pulling out clumps of hair to show him that
the chemo treatments were working. I
also felt comfortable enough to show him my hair at its Gollum (from Lord of
the Rings) stage. Then finally I felt
comfortable enough when we went out one night to leave the wig in the car and
go into a movie with my balder than bald head. When I was with him I didn’t care. He made me feel comfortable and made me feel
like myself. The summer went on and we
went out for ice cream, made cookies, and took drives and walks and the whole
time it was like there wasn’t this whole cancer thing going on. I claim that I was a little more pre-occupied
with the whole cancer thing to really see what was developing before me, it
took a talking to by my mom and a dinner conversation with TJ (my awesome
brother in law) and my sister Cami to make me see what a miracle I had right in
front of me….this boy Jason. I did
finally see it and I can tell you the exact date it was, where the exact place
I was sitting, what I was holding and the feelings I felt.
The date was October 5, 2004. A very special day for several reasons: First of all it was the day of my 12th
treatment, my last day of Chemo. It also
just happened to be Jason’s birthday. I
had just returned from my last chemo treatment feeling a joy that I can’t
possibly explain. I was sitting on the
back steps at our house on Center Street and I was holding a beautiful bouquet
of flowers. I was looking at the card
that had a message of congratulations from Jason and all of a sudden I knew….I
knew that this was the man that I was going to marry. It was like the heavens opened and for a
moment I could see him being in my life and the feeling of complete comfort and
peace took over. I knew that there had
been a miracle and I had found my eternal companion. We were sealed in the Logan, Utah temple on
June 21, 2005. That was another day of joy that was indescribable. When we walked into that sealing room holding
hands and seeing all our family and friends who had supported us through all
the trials I lost my composure and cried through the whole ceremony, this time
due to complete joy. We have now been
married for three years and I have to say the miracles have kept coming. Jason has shown such an unconditional love
throughout all our trials. He has been
at my bedside all those months, enduring months of bad food, bad sleeping
arrangements and protecting me from insensitive nurses and doctors. We have
celebrated together, we have cried many times together, but most importantly we
were together through it all. Jason’s
name means healer and I believe that is a miracle in itself. I cannot express all the times where I had
been so very sick and I was getting no relief from the medicine that I was
given and my body was in so much pain. Then,
Jason gave me a priesthood blessing and my body was at peace. There were many conversations when I tried to
explain the pain that I had suffered when the doctor’s response was “And then
this all just went away the next morning?”
Jason is my first miracle and it is only fitting that I should list my
second miracle now because Jason had a big part in this one as well.
Miracle #2: Jackson Cooper Balls. This is my son. As I type these words my eyes are filled with
tears. He truly is a miracle. In fact before he was born I wanted his middle
name to be “milagro,” which is miracle in Spanish. The story with Jackson starts almost the same
way as it does with Jason. Jackson was
truly an unexpected miracle. I had been
told because of all my chemo and radiation treatments that infertility was a
high concern. I was not given very good
chances and my expectations of every having a child were very slim. As a precautionary step we were taking
preventative measures to make sure a pregnancy would not occur because the
doctors said my body needed at least five years of recovery for it to be a
successful pregnancy if one did take place.
Jason and I had several discussions about this issue and decided that we
were just going to see how things would go.
When we felt ready we would look at our options, mostly considering adoption.
Well we got to December six months into
wedded bliss when I started to feel weird.
I thought I had a cold that just wouldn’t go away and one day I took a
pregnancy test, well to be completely honest I took four tests just because I
couldn’t believe the results. All four of those tests were positive. It was then that miracle #2 presented itself
and had me readjusting my life for the good again. At first I could not deal with it. I was afraid that something was going to go
wrong because it had happened soon after treatments and they told me my body
needed at least five years and it was just over a year at this point. After several nights of endless prayers and
long talks with my parents and Jason, I came to the conclusion that this was a
good thing and from then on I was determined to look to the positive throughout
my pregnancy. The Pregnancy was pretty
much unremarkable. I had bad nausea at
the beginning but that was nothing compared to what I had experienced with my
chemo treatments. I could endure the
nausea because I knew the cause would not cause my hair to fall out instead I
was helping my child grow and develop so that I could be its mother. The timing again was remarkable. Cami and Tj had just announced a month earlier
that they were having a baby due in August. I had just qualified for my health insurance
for full coverage and Jason had gotten a new job with a higher pay raise. Things were finally looking up. Jackson Cooper Balls was born on September 25,
2006 at 3:54 p.m. That was the most
incredible experience. To see his little
face after waiting so long just to hold him and to kiss him and just to be with
him. It was another moment where I was
overcome with joy and tears flowed freely. Then he was placed in my arms and I looked at
him and knew he was a miracle. Jackson
was an incredibly good baby. He slept a
lot! I guess he needed all that sleep
because the last four months of pregnancy he was constantly kicking and rolling
around giving me little rest. It was
hard to take my eyes of him and I often found tears rolling down my cheeks as I
feed him during the middle of the night when it was just the two of us and all the
world was quiet. I had one good month of
feeling great when things started to go wrong. Both of my legs became numb and in the course
of three months I was barely able to walk with a cane and was sent down to Salt
Lake for a visit with a neurosurgeon. It
was there they that discovered that a tumor on my spine was responsible for all
the damage. I was rushed into emergency
surgery on December 21, 2006, four days before Christmas. The surgery was
intense and the recovery would be long. I
had a lot ahead of me when I woke up after my surgery and honestly I didn’t
know if I had it in me. It was at those
moments when I thought I did not have the strength that I thought of my miracle
one and two and I knew I had to fight for them, so thus started my second
journey with my cancer. I had to undergo more rounds of chemo, this time it was
harsher and stronger. I also had 15 more
radiation treatments, which made me, reach my threshold for the amount of
radiation my body could endure. This time it did not end with just surgery,
chemotherapy and radiation. I had to have a bone marrow transplant. And so I
did, on April 3 2007 was given an autologous bone marrow transplant. Meaning that once my body went into remission
for the second time my good stem cells were collected and then sent back into
my body. The intent was to eradicate all the bad cells and help my body to start
producing new good cells. I was required
to be in the hospital for at least four weeks. Jason and I made the decision, with Jack being
so young he would go live with my parents in Florida while I was in the
hospital. This way he would not have to
be passed around and he would have a stable environment to grow and develop in.
That was one of the hardest things to
do. Send our five month old baby away. Jack being the miracle baby he is, made us all
feel better about the situation. On the
day we took him and my mom to the airport it was rough and we were all
expecting the worst. However Jack
surprised us all and was so happy and was so excited to go on his big adventure
with his Grammy. He looked at us with
loving eyes as Jason and I said good bye and turned to his Grammy with pure
confidence. It was again at that heart
breaking time that I looked at him and was determined to make it through this
and to fight with all I had so I could be with this little miracle.
The transplant went well and soon I was at Cami and Tj’s
house recovering. I had made it through
the tough weeks of transplant and had forced down the awful food just so I
could be released to be with my baby and family again. I was released from the hospital and had a
weekend to recover and then the wonderful day came when my mom brought Jack
back home to us. Seeing Jack after all
the time apart is an image that will be ingrained in my head forever. Despite my fears, Jack recognized and reached
out for me. As I wrapped my arms around
him a rush of joy and contentment filled my body. A mother should not be away from her baby, it
just doesn’t work. That was a time of
pure joy. Jack had grown quite a bit and
showed us all his new tricks. He had
continued to develop and grow amidst the love of his Grandparents and Aunt
Kate. That in itself is a miracle. Jack has always been so easy going and willing
to go to anybody. He knows that he is
loved and looks forward to the adventures and fully gives himself to his
caregivers. It has been hard to recover
with a baby but he was such a good therapy for me. He forced me to get up out of bed to take care
of him and when I was having a bad day all I had to do was look at him and
things didn’t seem so bad. The bitter is
bitter, but oh how the sweet is sweet. Jack
continues to this day to be a daily inspiration that reminds me not to take any
day for granted. That simple joy can be
found each day in the spirit and actions of a child. The most precious words that have ever been
said to me have been “mama” in his little voice. He truly is my miracle baby and always will
be. I am able to be with miracle #1 and#2
today because of miracle #3.
Miracle #3: Jacob Ashley Brenchley. This is my brother. Ever since I was little we had a family saying
in that I was Jake’s mold. There are
four children in my family, one boy and three girls. Cami, my older sister and Kate my younger
sister are molds of each other. They are
molds in that they have the same mannerisms and a lot of the same
characteristics. Since they were molds, I was told I was Jacob’s. It is hard to compare yourself to a boy but we
do have some similar characteristics but it wasn’t until this year did we
discover how true that statement has been. Jake and I are truly molds now. After the first bone marrow transplant I had
made it to the end of the summer. I had
hit my long awaited 100th day after transplant and was allowed to
come out of seclusion. I was also free
to move back to Logan. So after living
with Cami and Tj for close to eight months we found a new apartment in Logan
and were preparing to move back. On the
very day that we were moving I was feeling achy and started to rub my next to
relief some of the pressure and my heart just dropped, I had discovered a new
lump. We moved to the new place and the
tumor in my neck kept getting worse. I
went to the doctor and had some tests done and the cancer was back. When she told me the news I thought what do we
do now? She we started to ask questions about my siblings. She went on further to say that now we would
have to take the path of an Allogenic bone marrow transplant. We would have my siblings tested to see if
they were a good bone marrow match. I
was concerned that my siblings would have to go through pain but the doctor put
things into perspective. She said that she was sure my family would be willing
to help in any way that they could. I
was comforted in knowing that my siblings would do anything for me. They sent out the testing kits and we waited
for the results. I was told not to be
disappointed if none of my siblings would be a match. Some families had ten kids and no matches. We didn’t think the odds were very good with
just the three siblings. When the
results came we were all shocked and another miracle had occurred. The whole
miracle of thing is that when we got the results, Cami was the first one to
match. When I heard that news tears
sprang to my eyes. What a miracle to
have one match! Then it got better. A
few days later we found out that Jake was also a match, a more perfect
match. Two out of the three siblings
were a match. What joy there was on that
day! Thinking about it all I am still in
shock at what a miracle just occurred at the beginning of the process. This was a good sign that things were going to
go well. Jake flew out a few days before Thanksgiving for a consult and to get
ready to collect. My mom, Cami and I
waited for him at the airport. When we
saw him tears once again flowed from our eyes because of the joy and the
feeling of hope that we all felt. It all
was resting on Jake’s shoulders and he was so willing to accept it all.
The last week of November Jake went through all his tests
and then we went weekly together to the hospital each morning. Jake to get his shots and I got my chemo to
start the process to deplete my cells. On December 4th, 2007 I was
admitted yet once again to the bone marrow unit to take on my second bone
marrow transplant. Jacob collected on
December 5th and the morning of the December 6th. Then on the afternoon of December 6, 2007 I
received my brothers’ stem cells. This
transplant day was much different than the first one. First of all there was so much more riding on
this one. My brother was the selfless
one to endure those nasty shots and bone pain to give such a gift to me. There were so many people there to help share
in this wonderful and miraculous procedure.
Before it started Jake gave his cells a little talking to. He told them to go in there and do what they
were supposed to do. Then the cells were
infused into my body. As I was lying
there in my bed watching the cells flow into my body it was a feeling of joy,
of hope and of absolute love for my brother for helping me. As I looked up at my family who were crowded
around my bed, they were all teary eyed and feeling the same feelings that I
was. At that moment the room felt very
crowded. I believe there were a lot more
people in that room besides my family and the nurse and doctors. There was such a great peace and feeling and
it was then that I realized what a miracle it truly all was. Jake and I are linked now, molds in every
sense. My blood type has now turned over
to his and my eye color as well. His
cells have completely taken over my body and to this day they continue to
produce the things to keep me alive and healthy. I have two clean PET scan results to prove
this. My selfless brother gave me new
life. He has given me the ability to
witness the little miracles that surround me every day. I have had the opportunity to celebrate
holidays, my birthday and most importantly to see Jack grow up and to teach him
the things that only a mother can teach a son. I am able to be with Jason and continue down
the road to a good life. Jake is my
miracle #3 and he has made me a daily example of a miracle in all definitions
of the word.
My miracle #4 is also someone who is very close to me and
through this experience I have had the opportunity to develop a close relationship
with. My last miracle is Jesus Christ,
my Savior. I feel like he should have
been listed as miracle #1 because of his sacrifice he made for me so long
ago. It is because of Him that all the
miracles in my life have occurred, this is why I feel He is good as my miracle
four. As a conclusion as the string that ties all the miracles together. It was through faith in Him that I know that I
made it through the hard times and trials. It was His love and ultimate sacrifice that
carried me through those heartaches and the hardships. Yes to be honest there we several times where
I felt totally alone and helpless. There
was pain and there was no relief…or so I thought. It was in those times of
complete anguish that I have never pleaded so hard and it was during those
times I have never felt such love and complete peace. He did hear my cries and sometimes relief was
not immediate but I know this was to strengthen me further and to try my Faith.
These were lessons that at the time I
felt like there was no help but looking back now, He was refining me so that I
could accomplish greater tasks and hurdle greater anguish. He is my Savior, My Redeemer and it is
through Him that I can do and be strengthened in all things. I am humbled and once again I am at a loss of
words to truly express the gratitude that I have for all the miracles that have
occurred and have continued to occur in my life. I am blessed and I know that it is through Him
and all the miracles that He has given me that I have survived. I hope to live a long and happy life. I hope to be an example and that my actions
and things that I will do in my life will be a testament of the love that my
Savior has for me. My life has truly
been changed and will be forever touched because of my four “J” miracles.
Celebrating my 6th birthday with my J miracles.
Jackson, Jason and Jake.
